Pronouns

According to the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee’s website, “When someone is referred to with the wrong pronoun, it can make them feel disrespected, invalidated, dismissed, alienated, or dysphoric (often all of the above).” They go onto say that using the inclusive language decreases, among other things “social anxiety and suicidal ideation.” 

Now the military is having trouble recruiting people because, perhaps under orders, is starting to order troops to use these “accepted” pronouns. Already having problems because of a lack of education, obesity, vaccine mandates and criminal backgrounds, now they have added a woke agenda for potential warriors. Even existing officers must resign unless they go to the woke war colleges at their 10-year mark. Part of the problem is that recruits often come from patriotic families with former military personnel. The Navy has even made a video to help sailors become more combat ready. See it here.

But, c’mon, what could go wrong? As a former Army soldier who served in the Vietnam jungles, I remember feeling included in basic training in Fort Benning, GA when my Drill Sergeant called me “Maggot.”

But I’ve been wondering how these pronouns would have worked in the forward bases in the jungle.

First, what are the acceptable pronouns? Here they are: she/her/hers and he/him/his are some. But also, Ze/hir/hir are used in place of the she’s and he’s. In addition, you can just use a first name as a pronoun as in “Bob ate Bob’s food because Bob was hungry.” In the military, you might say, “Major wants major mopping done in Major’s office.”

But what about “They, them and theirs?” These are so pleasing that “they” was voted as the Word of the Year in 2015. Let’s try it out in combat.

Suppose you are a sergeant in charge of a section of the perimeter in a jungle base. It’s nighttime. You see your Corporal walking up to you.

“Sergeant, they’re coming.”

“Got it,” you say.

You fire off a couple of flares to light up the field of fire while simultaneously getting on your radio to warn everyone on the bunker line of the attack.

“No Sergeant,” says the Corporal, I meant to say, “they is coming.”

You say, “I don’t have time for your grammatical humor corporal, now get your weapon ready.”

About this time, someone comes up behind the corporal and you say, “Oh, it’s Pat.” (You’re replacement for the night).

 You get on the radio and tell everyone to stand down. 

If you think you have these pronouns down, check out this young lady.

Wouldn’t it fun to call yourself “Frog” as in:

“Frog went to the store and Frog got a new skirt for frogself.”

Oh sure, you say, all this will set the English language back centuries. Not really, it’s just an extension of our punishment for building the Tower of Babel that brought us multiple languages. 

Besides, think how the British feel about the way we messed up their English. We call trousers “pants”; taps, “faucets”; potato crisps, “potato chips; and spanners, “wrenches.” 

So now we are getting a dose of our own medicine. I guess that’s just the way the biscuit crumbles. But, of course, it will be important to make sure that Russia, China and Iran are also using them.

Anyway, as long as we can make up our own pronouns or let any word identify as a pronoun, like “frog,” or Ze, I have decided on mine. 

Please use: Jefe or M’lord.