Regulating Santa
In 2020 alone, the current administration published 134 gigantic rules (that cost over $100 million). Compare that to an average of 41 for administrations over the last 40 years. Of course, there are tens of thousands of other regulations that are not quite so big. We are rapidly getting to the point where pretty much everything will be regulated, and we will need new targets. I have a suggestion – Santa Claus.
First, no one is regulating him, not even states and localities, although I do not know if this is a federalist issue. Nevertheless, because of a possible dearth of regulatory targets, the federal government could start to debate the idea of regulating this renegade. Let’s start with the House of Representatives debate.
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The Chairman. This hearing of the Subcommittee on Santa Enterprises, regulation of all components of this enterprise will come to order. With that I would like to welcome at this time the distinguished gentleman, Mr. Horton, for any opening remarks he would like to give.
Mr. Horton (R): Sir, this whole Santa giving presents thing is a Democrat trick. They get the kids used to getting free giveaways so that they are more receptive to expansive social programs.
Mr. Dougie (D): Typical nonsense from my Republican friend. First, if you notice, the fat guy dresses in Republican red. Second, he’s not the government and that’s the problem. This is a private charity and, given the scope, he’s obviously funded by billionaires. We need to force him to reveal his funders and then tax the living s**t out of them.
Mr. Horton (R): My dear Democrat friend wants to tax Santa’s funders. But those taxes will decrease private investment and reduce jobs and just go to wasteful government programs. We know this is just a ruse so that they can tax religion as everyone knows that Santa is actually Saint Nicholas.
Mr. Dougie (D): My wise, learned Republican friend overlooks the obvious – Santa, a privileged white man, decides, without the kind of transparency we insist on in government agencies, who is “bad” and who is “good.” This is obviously biased against marginalized communities. You and your party are the real problem.
Mr. Horton (R): He’s one of you. You all talk about the environment and greenhouse gases and then the rich Dems all fly around in their own private planes. Same with this guy, flying around in his own private plane/sled whatever. I can’t even imagine the amount of methane the reindeer and that fat man are spewing out.
I don’t think we should confirm him.
Mr. Dougie (D): Well, for once, we are in agreement. I haven’t heard one person claim that he has had his COVID vaccinations, and he is around children. Not just that, but with all the miles he travels, going up and down chimneys and carrying a heavy bag, does he ever take a shower? I can’t support anyone who is soft on grime.
I also stand to say do not confirm him.
Chair (with his head in his hands): This is the House, not the Senate, and we are not here to confirm Santa. Nor are we here to judge his political origins. We’re just here to regulate Santa’s enterprise. My staff has been studying this and some of the areas we need to include in the bill are FAA regulating his flight plans; CPSC regulating toy safety; FDA looking at the safety and nutrition of the candies; USDA covering animal (reindeer) cruelty; Homeland Security looking at home invasion by a foreign agent; and OSHA looking at workplace safety.
Mr. Hayek (I): Wait a minute, aren’t we talking about a fictional character?
BLAM! (The gavel strikes the Chair’s desk)
Chair: Shut your piehole, heathen! You’re out of order.
I see this bill being about 1200 pages. Let’s get busy so we can have the bill on the president’s desk in 9 days.
Merry Christmas to all!