FDA, "Boy," and Almond Milk
We have inflation, including high gas prices, a madman determined to restore Russia as it was under Peter the Great (including Sweden, for example), and a pandemic that won’t quit. And yet, the FDA has its own crisis where it’s in its fourth year of trying to determine whether “Almond Milk” should be allowed to be continued to be called “milk.” Names are a problem for FDA and have been since Congress instructed them eighty-four years ago to assign names to foods, either their “common or usual name” for a food made “like mother used to make,” or a fanciful name.
Most of these issues have been tough so it’s not surprising it takes at least four years. In fact, fixing a recipe for the name “peanut butter” took twelve years. Almond milk was mentioned in a 13th century Baghdadi cookbook but didn’t make it to the U.S. until the 19th century. Unfortunately, FDA has an old rule that says that milk should come from a cow, sheep or a goat. Will FDA rename Almond Milk with a fanciful name after over a hundred years of use?
Maybe. FDA once had the huge problem of naming bottled water.
It occurred to me that Tarzan didn’t have this problem. When his son was born, he just called him “Boy.”
But back to naming bottled water. The controversy over bottled water arose from the fact that some bottled water springs naturally from Mother Earth, while other water is rudely retrieved by boring a hole in her. FDA, faced with a petition from the “natural” spring water folks (no doubt cosigned by Mother Nature), decided in Solomonic fashion that naturally bubbling-up-from-the-earth water should henceforth be called “Spring Water” and the blasphemous other water should have a fanciful name. It was assigned to be known as “Borehole Water.”
In fact, there was a problem in the jungle. I think during the time Boy was growing up, he probably became dissatisfied with “Boy.” Perhaps he asked Jane whether he couldn’t at least spell his name “Boi?” Jane thought to herself “A rose is a rose by any other name….” but then wisely counseled her son,
“No one in the Jungle gives a s**t what your name is or how you spell it.”
After the water issue, FDA had a problem with sugar – besides the fact that we eat way too much of it and more than half of the country has diabetes or prediabetes. FDA needed to alert consumers about sugars in their food, but how to do it? There is natural sugar, like lactose in milk, fructose in fruits, and honey but there are also “added sugars,” like high fructose corn syrup (HFCS). The latter are added to foods by manufacturers primarily for taste.
After years of deliberation, FDA decided to name sugars that manufacturers add to food “added sugars.” Some find this misleading. A few years ago, a couple of Harvard researchers noted that, although HFCS has been blamed for obesity and diabetes, a 16 oz glass of orange juice has 11 teaspoons of natural sugar but drinking a 16 oz orange soda with HFCS isn’t a lot different – it has 11.5 teaspoons of sugar. For those people that need to avoid sugar, they concluded that “FDA’s new labeling venture is imperfect and potentially misleading.”
So where will FDA go with Almond Milk? Will they decide it confuses consumers and needs a fanciful name? Will we find out in 2030?
Let’s suppose FDA decides to call Almond Milk, “Creamy Nuts.”
I predict that Congress, even before hearings on renaming Almond Milk, would be evenly split along partisan lines.
Meanwhile, when I think about what must have happened to Boi, when he finally turned 18, I think he rebelled and called himself “Reginald.” Tarzan refused to call him anything but Boy, so Reggie called his dad, “Man.”
Jane thought to herself, “Much Ado About Nothing.”